I’m about to share something I generally don’t talk about because I don’t enjoy stirring up painful memories, making old wounds bleed fresh. But if you’ve ever been hurt when you were hosting people in your home, then maybe you need to hear this:
I’ve closed myself off to hospitality for years now.
You see, I’ve had bad experiences. In an attempt to embrace imperfection and just be myself, I went through a period of time when I invited people in, just how things were. I left dishes in the sink, or toys on the floor, or laundry in a basket. Because, friends can do that, right?!
But I was judged. Not just a little bit, but a lot, and by more than one person. I was told, “Oh, if I knew this was such a bad time for you to have company, I would have just come later.”
Ugly, hurtful words that were gossiped about me afterwards came back to my ears.
And I vowed I would never open up my home again until it was perfect.
It didn’t mean I’d never invite people over – it just meant that I would spend so much time making my house perfect that by the time people arrived, I was often too exhausted to enjoy their company.
Then, just recently, out of town friends came. I had weeks of work deadlines followed by illness, so I wasn’t able to clean. Clutter piles were in every room. I almost cancelled, but I knew they wouldn’t be in the area for a couple more years, and we’ll be moved to our fixer upper by then.
It was literally a now or never situation.
So I didn’t cancel. And, to my own surprise, not only did I allow them to come over, but I also didn’t warn them about or apologize for the house. I simply welcomed them in.
The evening they arrived, we had the best time! The clutter piles in the kitchen didn’t matter when we were playing games with our kids on the screened-in porch. The mess disappeared from our vision when we were talking about life and just catching up and enjoying each other’s company.
And it was a wonderful reminder that the way someone responds to imperfect hospitality isn’t about the host. It’s about the heart of the guest.
“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45 (NKJV)
We can keep opening the door. Because true hospitality is about shining a light into a world that needs Jesus. Even if it means risking ridicule or rejection.
{Photo is from Jen Schmidt.}
I just finished reading Jen Schmidt’s new book, Just Open the Door and it was so healing to my heart. If you’ve ever wanted to be more hospitable, or to form closer relationships with others, then I highly recommend reading Jen’s book.
Your before picture looks neat to me! My house has been in constant chaos for 12 years as my husband tries to work on it and work 12 hour days! We finally gave up on having the perfect [lace and started hosting people because we joke that my husband is intentionally dragging out this remodel because he’s not social It bothers me at times because I am a neat freak surrounded by messies, we have 5 kids. But the last few years I realized that life on this earth is too short and I would rather have the memories and the moments than not because I “waited” for the right time. And if people are rude enough to comment in a negative manner than they probably are not my true friends and although I will be polite, I try to surround myself with positive, encouraging people! unfortunately for me this leaves me alone a lot since I don’t “conform”. But again I tell myself that this life is short and before I know it I will have my perfect room because Jesus told me so!
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Lisa! I’m so glad you started inviting people into your imperfect home.
The main thing i love that Jesus said is “don’t judge, and you won’t be judged”. This is the essential message he brings to us.
The people who judged and gossiped about you – who spoke hurtful words of judgment – they obviously are perfect in every way themselves – or – are so busy judging others they have little time to attend to the issues in their own lives, and so distract themselves with hurting others with their words, and wasting their own and the others’ very limited time here on earth.
I really hope you get a chance to read Haim Ginott’s “Between Parent and Child”. Jesus said not to judge. Haim tells you what is preferred behavior instead. I’m sure Jesus isn’t concerned about the state of your home as much as the state of your relationship with your family.
Truly, this is all that matters. We spend so much time trying to avoid being judged we end up living someone else’s life. Like you said, the real friends didn’t judge you – they just loved you and were grateful to have the time with you. This is where it’s at !
Kim, I’m just now seeing your comment! I believe you’re referring to Matthew 7:1, and I absolutely agree that too often, judgment is unfair or hypocritical, as was likely the case for me in this post, and I appreciate you for wanting to defend me!
I do want to mention that in some instances though, judgment is righteous and can actually be God-honoring. Let’s check out the next verses in Matthew chapter 7:
As those verses outline, judgment is wrong when it’s hypocritical or unnecessarily unkind. However, when we are examing our own lives, then using a righteous judgment to help encourage others to make godly choices, that judgment is good and acceptable to God.
There’s a really great article that explains this concept even more here, and I encourage anyone reading this who tends to think that all judgment is inherently wrong to read that article!